Explaining to the family you still love them. . . .

[Mach Schnell]

When the kids were young, I quit. I did not want to take the risk with a young family. This was my decision, not my wife's.

I missed it, but I sucked it up and went without the risk. When the kids were grown and launched, I got back in.

My wife does not ride. I bought her a CB125S and she took the MSF course when the kids were grown, but she decided that it was not for her. She is neither pillion nor pilot. It works for us.

We do not need life insurance at this point, but whenever I suggest that we drop a group policy that I have through a professional organization, she says she'd like me to keep it as long as I am riding. So extra insurance takes some of the mental sting out of it for her.

I am a risk averse sort of person. Yet I ride about 14,000 miles a year. I don't typically commute on the bike. I pick my weather. I pick my rides. I pick my companions. I'm pretty picky ...

How does the family know you still love them? Well, at the end of the ride, your final destination is home.

[Bernardo]

How does the family know you still love them? Well, at the end of the ride, your final destination is home.

And surely a hundred of different acts and signs

[extrachrispy]

Thanx guyz, all good points. I realize now that skimping on the protection was crazy, I wanted a better, faster bike and was willing to forego better protection in the process. Funny, but in the Harley/Cruiser mindset, I always thought it funny that people were dressing for disaster by "planning to fall/fail", now I realize its inviting disaster not to dress for distress.

I've gotten too much road rash from bicycling to ever want to ride a motorcycle without proper gear. I've come off a motorcycle hard enough to tumble or slide two times in 20-odd years, with only bumps, bruises, and sprains. Aside from my Harley phase, it's been ATGATT for me, even in the Texas summer.

Your wife is scared. She hears the horror stories, but it's hard to put into perspective the fact that most riders do not come to horrific ends--even amongst dumb kids who ride crotch rockets without the requisite skills or safety mindset, the fatality rate is approximately one quarter of one percent. Getting training, always riding sober, and not taking stupid risks (i.e., don't ride so fast you can't stop in the distance you can see in front of you, don't split lanes with the front end in the air, don't go stunting on public streets, etc.) reduce your risks phenomenally. Yeah, you can still get squashed, but the answer to that is to not confuse the act of breathing air in and out with living.

I think that demonstrating a mature attitude, getting training, and always wearing proper gear will go a long way to helping to reassure your wife. You may not get her to be totally comfortable with you riding a powerful motorcycle, but telling her that you understand that she's scared, and here are the steps you're taking to help reduce the risk, will be appreciated.

[JoeBoxerKR]

Just recently had a close encounter of the SUV kind. Some old fool (probably texting) didn't see the redlight in time, and came to an emergency stop with me at the red light. I hear him coming, see him in my rear view, and knew enough to move myself pass the red light and out of the way enough for him to not run over me.
He finally stopped far past the intersection, far past were I was stopped initially.

In an accident situation like this, I'd rather be in a solid car than a bike. But I'd rather avoid getting hit altogether. The bike was able to respond and get out of the way much faster than the car would have. So you weigh your risk, and manage it accordingly.

Be aware that accidents are out there, be aware of your surrounding all the time, and be aware of yourself. If you are accident prown, accept it, and choose your ride accordingly.

Fate's got your number, your mission is to beat the odds, and balance it against the lifestyle you choose to live.

Personally, I drive both offensively and defensively. Experience definately helps. My wife and kids accept the fact that I have choices I choose, and instill enough confidence in them. My wife is very risk adverse, but is smart enough to know that there's no hope in changing me when I've made up my mind.

[MikeTheGeek]

I have a 2- and 5-year old and a very supportive wife (we are in our mid 30s). We all understand that having a bitter old man for a Dad isn't ideal, and riding keeps me far more satisfied with life than I might otherwise be. Thank goodness my wife understands the statistics and how they are pretty incredibly skewed in that most motorcycle riders have little skill or experience to prepare them for the harsh reality of riding in traffic. I've been to both MSF classes and wear ATGATT, have been riding for almost nine years now. It's been about five years since I fell off - once you get over the first few years of riding it's a little easier not to get caught up in something stupid (like braking in gravel, locking your rear brake, etc).

When I upgraded to the K1200S from an F650, I claimed that the bike was safer thanks to the ABS, lower center of gravity, bigger tires, and power brakes. I wasn't really sure if I believed this, but I do now, and my family agrees.

Explain that it makes you happy and that you are anything but suicidal. If she is at all interested, take her for a ride and show her how careful you are. Explain that people die in auto accidents all the time and yet nobody even thinks twice when they turn the keys. Finally, explain how you are not riding drunk, untrained, or unarmored, and those three facts alone should put you in a (statistical) league more similar to your typical automobile pilot. This is how I rationalize it to myself and I challenge any takers to debate it with me. I'm not going to hide my head in a hole because something I do makes it 0.3% more likely that I might die before retirement. I have heard too many stories of people dying from cancer, car accidents, falls, you name it. I do the things one should to mitigate as much risk as possible and bring what is left of the fear along for the ride to keep me in check.

[Buffsldr]

Stats: Late 30's, 3 kids under 8 years old. 1 perplexed wife and 1 very fast k1300s.

I dont have the answer. I wish I loved stamps, or bird watching, but I dont. My mind wrestles with this a lot. So I dont have a great post or easy answer, I just got a couple ideas that might help.

1) Eternal salvation - What? Where did this come from you ask? Ok, if you are not religious, skip this. No disrespect intended to those of different religious views, but I believe there is a spiritual war between those that would love Christ and those who would sift our children like wheat. Dad's that dont ride bikes claiming they love their kids, but that dont attend to their families spiritual needs are hypocrites. My children need a family that prays together morning and night, meets together once a week in family counsel, supports each other and has a home free of pornography and wickedness. If I am dead I cant do these things, so I feel like a hypocrite, but while I am alive, I do them.

2) "Life is not simply to be endured, but to be enjoyed." - Gordon B. Hinckley.

3) Gambling, women, or motorcycles, you choose honey. (Meant to be funny)

4) My kids will forget most of the words I say, but I pray they will never forget how we feel about each other. I hope they trust me, know I love them, and I feel they do. The times we spend together are my favorite (until they start driving me nuts when I go look for my helmet).


So in summary, I have no point. I have no conclusions. ANyone reading this could rip this to shreds, and do so rightfully. I know if I read this in a week, I could too. Like you other dads, I love my kids, I love motorcycles, and I try to live so I can have them both. Regrettably, I may be kidding myself and I think about Jamie a lot. I never knew him or posted to him, but I have read up on him. I think his bike was even the same as mine. It is humbling and scary. But to those fallen, they LIVED their lives. As sad as it is, there is some peace for me when I think of those who died doing what they loved. This is quite morbid, but I fear a nursing home a lot more than I fear a guard rail.

So to all my fellow riders, God Bless. Cherish the things you love. Hug your kids one more time before you leave the door. But when you get on that bike, you smile and go live.

[cryptmod]

Eliminate the risk, what's the alternative? Take up opera singing classes.

[thebigblue]

Yeah, I´m also wondering how some people actually dare to go to bed every night, considering how many people actually dies in one....

[mary]

This is something that has always bugged me. You say that you have been riding for about forever? Would this forever be before you got married? I just don't understand why someone would marry someone if they plan on changing anything about them. This is something you did because you loved it BEFORE you got married and now she wants you to give it up? It sounds pretty selfish on her part if you ask me and if she felt this way about the motorcycle before now, maybe she should have brought this to you attention before marrying you. I don't want to sound harsh but maybe if she loved you she wouldn't ask you to give up something you love and have loved way before she was a part of your life. Get busy living or get busy dying.

my 2 cents

[Bernardo]

Good one Mary!

If She/He loves you before, with bike, then after nothing must change. But exist a cruel reality... People changes across the time (me too!)

[thebigblue]

...People changes across the time (me too!)

True, but they really change a lot when you divorce them

[deelee74]

My wife complained about the danger of riding when I had an F800S. When i traded it for my K1200R, somehow it became ok. She doesn't see the K12R as a "crotch rocket".

[Bernardo]

Hi Deelee, welcome to the forum

Wise wife!

Bigger bikes ----> less accidents, better brakes, more stability.....

[M@3ST70]

Hi Deelee, welcome to the forum

Wise wife!

Bigger bikes ----> less accidents, better brakes, more stability.....

That doesn't work with my mother, though The first time she saw this machine the words were "It will kill you!" So, sometimes size does matter Even though her phrase was invigorating enough

[Flyingfox]

Greetings from Sydney Australia,
I have never enjoyed a forum topic as much as this one. It seems we all share similar fears and have to deal with the same concerns of loved ones it just goes with motorcycling. I am 54 and have held my motorcycle licence for 37 years. I ride differently now to the way I did 36 years ago. The loss of a close friend and too many near death experiences taught me to value the riding experience and respect the risks that are inherent in the activity. I only ride fully geared up with the best equipment money can buy, I ride to the conditions and well within my capability and I observe speed limits (some of the time). The best risk mitigation strategy I have employed is rider education, not just experience gained over many thousands of miles but California Superbike School courses and lots of track days. Apart from the theory and technique gleaned from CSBS which I was never shown 37 years ago I have gained an appreciation of my bikes (K1200S) capability that, for the most part, far exceeds my own.
I would be lying if I said my wife does not worry when I'm out on the bike but she know's how much a part of my life motorcycling is and she grins and supports my joy before I leave home and when I return. She has vowed never to get on the pillion seat for all the green tea in China but I reckon one day soon I will win her over and once she comes along she will line up next to the bike every time I ride. I have given up commuting to work on the bike as with other posts I find the cage dwellers too infuriating and down right dangerous in peak hour. If only cage dwellers were made to do some real driver education I might ride more comfortably. My philosophy is if I fall off well that's my fault if I get hit by a bloody fool in a car that's just plain bad luck. I have had three fairly full on offs in my 37 years of riding, none were as a result of my negligence or over exuberance in each case the fault of a cage dweller.

[Pumper]

Hi, very interesting topic and I would like to share my experiences and thoughts on the subject. I have been riding on/off for 20yrs and have been very lucky in the relationship side with concerns to riding. My partner 20yrs ago had a bigger bike than me and would ride harder on the road than me. On the track where personal risk was lower I would ride around her! My current partner for the past 8 years has loved being on the bike (pillion) which has made the ride down to Melboure, and the great Ocean road, numerous visits down to the Motor Gp to watch the Gods race, enjoyable and special. Hours of time together enjoying the open road listing to music and no need to say much to each other.
She has two kids and the last thing I want to do is leave her kids without a mother. She understands the risks and has been very lucky not to have kissed the Tarmac like I have on a couple of occasions. We run our own small business and are both insured, which in a way money means nothing when a loved one is gone. The fear of dying while on the bike is always with me and I feel it gives me the respect of riding safely and within my limits. My partner dosn't quite understand my need for speed, and saying that, I sometimes don't either, but she respects my love for the freedom the bike gives. I also have a race car and at Easter time put it into a wall at 120km. I was lucky to walk away and my partner, even though very concerned because of her medical back ground, still feels comfortable in letting me enjoy my passion. I will not get on the bike without proper gear, nor will I let her or any other on the bike without proper gear on. My car has a cage, race seat, 5 point harness, ect. As a lot of other people have mentioned, be as safe as you can to avoid as much damage to you if things do go wrong, and that's all you can do. As the last person said going to school to help learn to ride is a great idea, it may also help relax your love ones knowing you are taking your safety seriously.

[rr1ke3]

OK, after just about 5 weeks on my K1300s, I notice my wife is ever-so-more grumpy, giving me the cold shoulder, etc. We finally have it out at 3 am: she's concluded I don't love her and my daughter because I made the "suicide" decision to ride a sportbike. I was so angry at first I didn't respond. Her reasoning is that if I really cared about them , I wouldn't take such unnecessary risks.

I have to admit, at almost 44 yrs old, I don't NEED to ride. I just really, really, WANT to ride, and enjoy it immensely. Having reviewed the crash forums, and the RIPs that come up almost weekly, I can't deny my life expectantcy will evaporate the longer I ride, and it IS a selfish act.

I almost put my bike on Craigs yesterday, but went for a ride first. Man, its just so freeing and fun, but no matter how safely I ride, there's always the arsehole who's not looking or someone leaving a pub, chatting on a phone, etc, and we can't compensate for that, no matter how careful we are.

I've been on a bike since my lawn-mower powered bikes at 4, but I'm legitimately conflicted on the issue. maybe track only? I haven't ever ridden a track, but the lack of cage-dwellers would seem to make it a more reasonable risk, although pushing the limits would be an obvious threat as well.

So my question is, those who have families, how do you explain your choice to accept the risk? I'm still working through this, but would like to know whatya think. . .
cheers,
Joel

I am a police officer. I have a target on my back everytime I go to work just by the virtue of my job. Any time a person steps out of their door they are at risk of losing their life, from car accidents, to being mugged, to even eating bad food at a restraunt and getting food poisoning. I can be considered to be doubly insane for my profession and for riding a motorcycle in my free time. I try to mitigate the threats as much as possible. All of the gear that I wear is top quality from Dainese, Scorpion, or soon to be Arai. I also keep in mind (I'm sure we all do) that people are stupid and that we should expect to see some of the dumbest things from them. Just the other day I was riding behind a SUV and it hit the idiot bumps on the side of the road and than it swerved back into the lane. I said screw this and as I was pasing them I looked over and they were texting. It is our duty as motorcycle riders and as members of loving families to be observant to everything around us, and to never to be comfortable while traffic is about. Now there instances where however vigilant we are it is not going to matter. A motorcyclist doing everything right was struck by a drnuk driver who hopped the median and struck him head on. There was nothing that he could do to avoid the situation (the driver was intoxicated and high on cocaine) so as a part of being responsible family members it is also necessary (unfortunately) that we have life insurance policies that will help our family (god forbid) if we were ever killed by another persons' decision.

Everything in this life has an inherent risk, the only thing we can do is to mitigate that risk and be ever vigilant. Probably the best thing to do before you go out on a ride is to promise your loved one that you'll be back.

[Antonyc]

Hi guys, I had to register just to respond to this thread...

I've also thought a long time about this question, and to me its about more than just rider skill level.

Every time I go out for a ride, it's to enjoy it. I never rush, I get there when I get there. I will still lane split, but only if it's comfortable to do so. Road rage on a bike is a good way to get sloppy, and get dead.

I also think a large part of the risk is based on where and when you decide to ride. I choose my routes to avoid heavy traffic. I don't go out in the rain. I avoid rush hour as much as possible. If you choose to go out when most of the driver distractions are in play, its your own fault for increasing your risk. Plus, its just not any fun. I don't plan to die plowing through rush hour traffic.

I also believe in atgatt. It may not save your life in a really bad crash, but in the light to moderate ones, can be the difference between bruises and skin grafts.

Its funny, at my last physical, my doctor was giving me the usual advice about losing weight and cutting down on salt. I mentioned that I'd started riding, and he said not to worry about the salt, because I'd die on the motorcycle long before it became a problem.

[Bernardo]

Hi Antony, welcome to the forum

Is good to take care with the traffic and riding, saves your life...

I mentioned that I'd started riding, and he said not to worry about the salt, because I'd die on the motorcycle long before it became a problem.

Obviously your doctor doesn't like the bikes , also he can die due hemorrhoids, and that's really boring!

[k13rseman]

Gentlemen, I'd like to share my thoughts too. I find riding simply liberating. It's the only thing that completely clears my head and simply makes me feel absolutely great! I have only recently started to think about the danger side of this hobby of mine, even though motorcycles have been a constant in my life for over 20 years. I put it down to now being a father and just plain old 'getting old'. However I still cannot help myself when it comes to ridiculous speeds and acceleration. It's in our blood to feel danger and excitement, it's what gives us that adrenalin feeling and makes us feel alive! One of the best side effects of riding is meeting fantastic people, like yourselves and sharing this passion of ours. It makes no difference if you're a doctor or a garbage collector, because on a Sunday ride you're all buddies, enjoying each others company. Some wives or partners can be a little uneasy about us riding, or even plain against it, but do we oppose the hundreds of things that they do which annoy the shit out of us? I have seen guys whose dreams of riding are destroyed by their partners, and this can lead to other relationship problems. So I plead with all you negative creatures, let us pursue our passions and release us, for we'll come back and be yours forever
By the way, how is this for a story? My partner was really emotionally scarred by the death of her sister many years ago - she was tragically killed on a motorcycle. I would never expect her to encourage my passion, yet she returned to being a pillion with me after many years of staying away from bikes, she absolutely loves it and is very happy for me to get out and enjoy my rides. I think she's wonderful and a great example of what a good partnership is all about. My grandfather rode bikes, my father and father in-law still do and so does my brother and 2 uncles. It's in the blood, and even my 17 month old is crazy about anything to do with motorcycles. I can't wait to take him for a ride (sadly a few years must still pass).

[FYRWRX]

Hello all!

Great thread! Something all of us worry about, fear, and yet -- we push past the fear and doubt and ride on! A good friend and fellow motorcycle instructor who was a lifelong rider died a few weeks after we had graduated from instructor training. He was an only child, from India, and a strong technical rider who always generously shared his knowledge and expertise with others. He died on a blind 10 mph corner in Deals Gap. I got to know his parents, and when I expressed how painful and tragic this must be for he and his wife, he said something that I have come to hold close in my own heart since my passion for motorcycling is so all encompassing. He said: "In our religion, we believe that if you die doing something that you are passionate about, you automatically achieve Nirvana. And so, although I will greatly miss him, I know that my son is where he should be, and I am at peace with myself.". I have often said that I would rather die doing omething I love than live a life of regret, and those two concepts have helped me through the comments of nay-Sayers, the bad moments of others vehicular stupidity, and my own self-doubts in challenging situations. In the end, it's still better to gear up appropriately, choose my route and timeframe wisely, continue to educate myself skill wise, and be ever vigilant while I am feeling completely alive and having the time of my life!!! Don't look back -- keep moving forward!

[sundog]

we believe that if you die doing something that you are passionate about, you automatically achieve Nirvana.

love this.